At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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