He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
