smell my finger.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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