We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
