just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
