He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
