well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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