You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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