I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So vagazzling was a success
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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