You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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