I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
