So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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