and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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