I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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