he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
