FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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