While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
