I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Dignity is for republicans.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
