im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
