We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
