I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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