Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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