I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
