I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
