I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
What a dumb baby whore.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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