Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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