So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
