i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
