you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
