Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
