My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
