member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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