You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Randomize
