You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
