He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
