Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
