my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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