Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
