Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
