Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
