Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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