never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You did what with his pubic hair?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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