please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
