I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
