Dude my mom stole all your condoms
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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