Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
