Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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