I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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