Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
