I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
