You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
