Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Jerry, you need to find god
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
