3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
